Sympathy Messages: What to Write in a Card

A sympathy message is a short, sincere note that tells someone you are thinking of them after a death. The best ones say what you truly feel, use the person’s name and offer help. Our free message helper writes three original versions you can edit, and this page is part of our messages hub, which also covers birthdays. Below you will find what to say, what to leave out, examples by relationship and quotes that were checked against their sources.

What should I say in a sympathy message?

Say what you truly feel. Emily Post’s guidance is that sympathy notes are too personal for a set form, so one simple rule applies: say what you truly feel. A single sincere line about the genuine feeling you had for the person is all you need to write. A specific memory is welcome but optional.

Virtual Hospice, a Canadian hospice organization, adds practical advice. Use the language your friend would be comfortable with, name the person who died, and acknowledge the loss plainly. It suggests simple lines such as “I am sorry to hear of the death of your brother, Tom” or “We will miss your mother dearly.” It also suggests sharing a special memory and offering time or help you are truly prepared to give.

What should I avoid saying?

Avoid anything that tells the grieving person how to feel. Virtual Hospice lists phrases that can have the opposite effect to the one you intend: “I know how you feel,” statements that begin “you should” or “you will,” and talking about yourself. It also warns against writing about the positive side of a death, such as “they are in a better place now” or “at least they are not suffering anymore,” which may be heard as minimizing the loss.

Emily Post gives a similar list. Do not dwell on the details of an illness or the manner of death, and do not suggest that the loss is a “blessing in disguise.” Our helper’s messages are written to stay clear of all of these phrases.

What can I write to a friend, a coworker or a family member?

Match the message to your relationship, and keep the same core: sympathy, the person’s name and an offer. These examples were written for this site.

To a friend: “I was so sorry to hear about your father. You have always been there for me, and I wish I could be there for you right now. I would be glad to bring dinner on Thursday. Just tell me when.”

To a coworker: “I’m so sorry for your loss. We are thinking of you here at work, and please take the time you need. Thinking of you.”

To a family member: “I was heartbroken to hear that Grandma has died. We’re family, and we will get through this together. I love you, and I’m here whenever you want company or just quiet.”

To a neighbor: “Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your husband. We are right next door if you need anything at all, from a meal to a listening ear.”

Notice that each is a few sentences, and each names a specific kind of help. Emily Post says it is appropriate to ask if there is something you can do, even suggesting something specific such as babysitting.

How long should a sympathy message be?

Short is fine. A brief note with a name and one real sentence is better than a long note of borrowed phrases. Use a short message for a text, a signature on a card from a group or a distant acquaintance. Use a longer one, with a memory, when you knew the person well. Our helper has three tones: warm, brief and formal.

Which quotes fit a sympathy message?

Use a quote only if it sounds like something you would say, and use one that is correctly credited. These four were checked against the text at the link, and they come from works in the public domain.

• “Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak Whispers the o’er-fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare, Macbeth (Act 4, Scene 3). Spoken by Malcolm. Source
• “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923 (“Joy and Sorrow”). Source
• “And to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier.” Walt Whitman, “Song of Myself,” in Leaves of Grass, 1855 (Section 6). Wording as in the Project Gutenberg edition. Source
• “Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.” Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923 (“Joy and Sorrow”). Source

If you want a faith-based line, the King James Version of the Bible is in the public domain too. The helper can add one of those if you tick the box.

Can I use a sympathy text or email?

Yes, in many cases. Virtual Hospice says electronic messages can be appropriate. Emily Post suggests that an email can be an immediate and unobtrusive first message, followed by a handwritten note. See the message helper for text you can paste into any of them, and our birthday messages guide for the lighter side of the same skill.

How do I use the helper, step by step?

1. Choose “Sympathy” and who the message is for.
2. Pick a tone: warm, brief or formal.
3. Add the recipient’s name and, if you like, the name of the person who died.
4. Press the button for three messages and one verified quote, then edit to add a real memory.
5. Copy the text from the box under the helper.

What is a worked example?

Say you are writing to a coworker named Maya, in a warm tone. The helper opens with a greeting, “Dear Maya,” then one of three openers such as “I was so sorry to hear about the death of your loved one.” It adds a relationship line, “You are on our minds at work, and please take the time you need,” and a closer such as “Thinking of you and sending all my love.” Replace “your loved one” with the person’s name, add a memory, and you are done in a few minutes.

What about tone and etiquette?

Keep the tone steady and kind. Do not ask the grieving person to comfort you. Virtual Hospice notes that if you were also close to the person who died, you can offer condolences, but you cannot expect your friend to comfort you. Handwritten cards are traditional, and many people still prefer them as more personal. For more on how quotes are checked, see how we check each quote.